Allow me to Venti

I dont care what side of the fence you're on about the ending of Lost, or if you took advantage of Starbucks Happy Hour with half price Fraps, (which they should have called Frappy Hour..why didn't they call me first) or if you're as confused as I am how KFC is a sponsoring the cure for breast cancer....I mean...good for them, but they serve more breasts then anyone..they are part of the problem...I want to talk about one thing: the economy. Or moreover, how I make ten bucks stretch into a week of food at the C Town. Five yogurts for $2 and four bagels for a $1 takes care of breakfast. Thanks to my man Manny and his son Sonny at the deli, they give me a little extra cold cuts by the pound so for $4 I get half pound of white American cheese (not racist...I forgot they made such a thing and like it better now) and half pound of honey glazed turkey. With the 2 bagels leftover from breakfast, that's sandwiches. A Poland Springs gallon of water for 99 cents takes care of my water needs, and 89 cents for angel hair pasta and 99 cents for the sauce. Pasta can last 2 days. I think the math is right. This way I can spend $40 a week on wings, $60 on beer, $50 on entertainment, and the rest on Potpourri...so, I guess I do have my priorities in order.

My friend, we'll call Ozzy, moved in with me. Showing him around New York is both fun as I rediscover why this city rocks (sweet nuts, The Muppet Workshop at FAO Schwartz, S'mac...none of these he was interested in) and funny to see how he would grab every flyer someone in Times Square would give him. Were making wallpaper with them in one room. That's right...we may even get curtains....

I have many screenplays in my head right now. If someone can pick them up and write them, Id appreciate it. Ill buy snacks.

I did a show in Nevada and found it is indeed pronounced Nevada like bad....not Nevada like odd...or maybe its the other way around, but they get mad or mod when youre wrong.

Many shows coming up...a fun Artprov with a new artist,a rocking good few shows with the BTK band, and some solo music work in the middle of June. None of which pay, but I have plenty of yogurt and pasta to last a while.

There is a small chance I will be in China when next I write. Ill let ya know

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.” Comic W C Fields...Im assuming on an off day

Avatar drains a three...

Watching the Avatar Promo...I mean, NBA Playoffs, is consuming my entire Sunday. Usually on Sundays I like to sleep in till 1pm, compare coffee in my neighborhood (Pizza by The Park..excellent...Xinags Deli...taste like burnt hair) and pretend I have a wife by yelling "Ill be back later, get off my back" every time I leave the house. But today, when all is said and done, I will have watched 4 games, 12 hours of basketball. The turn around from my teens to now is amazing. I wasn't into sports at all in high school. In soccer, my position was the one where you kick the ball between the orange cones on the sideline. I played baseball to get the pizza party afterwards. My dad would yell at me when I asked who he was voting for in the game, or if he liked the other players costumes. But now, I'm sports obsessed. Except for hockey. Its just..soo....Canadien. Even FOX knew it was boring a few years ago when they made the puck glow so you could follow it. And FOX had the PJ'S! SO they know boring.

Nothing but net. This is why fish don't like basketball...(that joke is for my 5 year old fans)

This week, I performed in Aurora New York. A college town where there are 550 students, one bar, one supermarket, and countless cows. the cows loved us. The show was great, and makes me wonder what would have happened if I went to college. What happened, what distracted me from the college path...oh, Extreme Makeover Home Edition is on!

I also did a show Friday in Baton Rogue. The Red Stick. Muggy, hot, and overcast. And that was the women! Ha ha ha..oh..save it for the show in Modesto Rory.

Hope everyone had a great 4 20 ...I did. From what I remember I did...pizza was consumed, songs were sung, and dreams were fulfilled. Memory loss? probably, but totally worth it.

Hope everyone had a great 4 20...

Most of life is like a Yo-Yo...some things leave and come back and leave again, or is that a boomerang, or is that Martin Lawrence. I can never remember.

"It's the apocalypse alright! I always knew I'd have a hand in it."
- Professer Farnsworth, Futurama

I didn't give an old lady my seat on the train a few weeks ago. I asked a guy who obviously whitened his teeth if he would smile at the sidewalk so I could find my contact lens. I was given change for a twenty instead of the ten I gave for coffee and for a moment thought about not saying anything. So, maybe it was fate, karma, or wrong place right time for the mugging to happen. When the guy grabbed my bag (yes, I'm an 80 year old woman) I ran after him. So at least I know my natural reaction is not to scream like a 10 year old girl who saw the Jonas Brothers sex tape, but instead to blindly run in the face of danger. The 8 drinks in me didn't hurt either

Making ends meet is getting harder and harder because there seem to be new ends every day. And how many times must ends meet? It seems like some ends have Alzheimer's and need to meet every month. Doesn't any end know each other anymore? What a world.

I haven't had a phone for 24 hours...I feel naked. That and I have no clothes on...but the people at this Starbucks don't seem to mind...

I'm so glad baseball season is back. Theres a game on every day at almost every time, so theres never a bad reason to be in a bar. Unless that bar is Applebees. Then theres never a good reason for that.

I owe the IRS a tidy sum of money. I guess that's why my initials are in there...

If April Showers really bring May Flowers, then these should be some BIG ASS Flowers coming my way. I'm going to lay down...hopefully to dream of a more innocent time...like 26 hours ago.

"The status quo sucks" - George Carlin

So, the ST Paticks day party I crash every year...I think I mentioned it...was canceled this year. The recession finally touched me. So, some mates of mine (Too British? ) Freund's of mine sweet talked a very dead Japanese place into giving us 4 beers each and an appetizer for 20 bones. It was the fourth place we tried, but our new Malaysian friends Tim and Ricky helped spurn a new St Paddys tradition: Rock shrimp and Asahi.

If NYC turns into LA...I don't know where Ill go. Its slowly happening. Theres more and more places that put on little crappy shows, more places selling fish tacos, and now, more people dressed in ratted out costumes. I saw a Grinch, a cookie monster, a Mickey Mouse, and two Elmos that looked like they crawled out of the Hudson into Times Square and were charging five bucks a pop for your kid to hug them, and take a picture of them contracting the plague. If that was a real Mickey, thered be two handlers, a photographer, and Roy Disney's frozen head watching the whole thing.

I actually had a really nice time in Sheridan Wyoming. Almost had a threesome with a very drunk well endowed...ya know what...I dont have to write everything.

WIll do my taxes on my next day off. Since I don't have a job, I really don't have a "day Off" so Ill have to wait till that happens first.

South Park is still the funiest show on tv...on the flip side, did we really need a brand new Parenthood?

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry' - Gary Larson, The Far Side

Dream A Nothing Dream

I was checking out of this hotel, and the manager came over as I was trying to hide the 20 packets of hot chocolate I swiped form the breakfast bar and said there was a problem with my bill. That I had walked a tab the night before at the restaurant. I said, Oh no lady, I put cash in the check thingie, I clearly remember doing that. She said the waitress was in tears because I had stiffed her, and I needed to pay right away. I again stated I had paid, and someone from their staff obviously took the money. And to make things worst...I woke up. This was a dream. A boring dream. The one place where anything can happen, and Im dreaming an argument with a La Quinta day manager. Ah, one day!

A friend of mine took off on a cruise ship job for a while, and Im babysitting his CD collection. Over 600 CD's,and a lot from the 80's and 90's. So, maybe my dreams will be flashbacks of great times from high school and my early 20s's...theres REMS Murmur, the album I listened to as I drank my first scotch and hit on my theater teacher at a cast party. Or Welcome to The Beautiful South's songs I would listen to as I drank Mad Dog 20/20 and rolled off of Matt Viberts rooftop. Or The Trash Can Sinatras beautiful haunting tunes that enhanced the weed I would smoke in Denton during my "college years"* . Actually, its a wonder I have any memories at all.

ST Patricks Day is tomorrow...so...this may be my last post...every year for the last 6 years Ive crashed this great party of a hedge fund something or other who has an office right in midtown Manhattan overlooking the parade, with free beer, booze, food, bands, and its packed. I'm sneaking in 7 people. I think we may be a band called...oh lets say...the Shilalies...I'm sure I didn't spell that right...and spellcheck on here says its spelled Chilies....so...maybe we'll go as the baby Back Ribs.

Off to Denver for some shows Thursday. Then Montana. So, note to self, (If I'm reading this...(Id be surprised if anyone does) Bring Xanex. Its in your Hulk Pez Dispenser.

I cant figure out how to program my new clock radio, so Im waiting till midnight to plug it in....

"They said if I burned myself alive, thatd you'd come running back"---Beautiful South

*Moved to Denton with my band....they went to UNT... I was a breakfast manager at a Hawaiian themed diner that served daiquiris at the drive-thru....

This car smells funny

Seven shows in 4 days. A new personal record. And here's who I got to portray: An old man who went to the theater on the wrong day, a snowboarder with a head injury, an ignorant mayor named Mr Mayor, Santa Claus, a T rex, a college student from Nova Scotia, a policeman, someones mom, another policeman, a king, a teacher who took 12 years of 12th grade before teaching it, a bartender who spikes his drinks with Windex, a chicken, a soapy inmate, and a construction worker who was a virgin. What day is it?

See if you can guess how my picture relates to my post this week....collect them all!

Some days living in New York is like being on the set of a movie, and everything seems fun and alive.
Some days living in New York you get on what you think is an empty car on the D Train, only to find a homeless man taking a dump in there and a small frightened Vietnamese lady in the corner holding her nose, and you cant get out because the doors just shut, and the doors between cars are locked, and then the D Train stops for 6 minutes due to train traffic and you have to breathe through your nose, or you will throw up, and you block your ears so as not to hear the strains coming from the man using the train as his executive bathroom, and then the doors finally open, and you run out waving your hands like they're on fire in the air warning people to not go in there, and it all seems so completely disgusting you wonder why you moved here in the first place.
But sometimes, its like the first thing I said.

I can not find The Connells Fun and Games CD ( cassette when it first came out) anywhere. Not on Itunes, Pandora, Lastfm, or Dizzler.com. I know this album (cassette actually) existed. not like the other things I made up, like dwarf's living in the vents of my house, the talking dog Perky whom I shared a special relationship with, or a happy family. Anyway, if you see it, grab it for me...Ill get ya back...

Resin works just fine in a pinch...ya know?

ST Patricks Day is a mere 3 weeks away....I haven't even started shopping. But, I'm on the top of a list for a liver at a hospital in upstate New York, so Ive got that...
We are in that weird area of sports when there is no baseball or football, and hockey is suspended because of the Winter Olympics, which still happens much to my surprise. I thought it was a test, like The West Coast Avengers spin-off, or After Mash. I wonder if they'll have After Lost, or Law and Order Babies. I would totally watch that ..for a while...

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.”---Robin Williams

Ribbon Cutting

I always thought ribbon cutting ceremonies were only for government officials, or people who were about to be attacked by a supervillian like the Green Goblin. But I went to one yesterday. And it was great. And it was catered! The 52nd Street Project is a great theater I volunteer at, and they moved to their new digs and celebrated with mini meatball sandwiches and a speech from Lewis Black. He was great, and he teared up a bit talking about his late brother, whom he named the theater after, and it was very moving. Edie Falco was there too and we talked about how great the kids were, and the project, and I thought she was into it despite frantically pushing the button for the elevator.

Its 4pm, time to open the blinds and see whats going on, and who's out there....whoa...this is why I try to sleep during the daylight hours

If youre not a fan of my improv band, I would love you to be. BTK rocked it out last night. At first I thought it was a dream, but now it burns when I pee, so I know it was all real.

Valentines day rapidly approaches, so look out local massage parlors in my neighborhood. This year with the money I would have spent taking a girl to a lovely prix fixe dinner at a place that ends in Tratorria, I will donate all the money to my favorite charity. Lets get Betty White to host SNL.

Happy V Day: "Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” --- Steve Martin