Crazy Train

I wish we were in the age where one could start a post "Dear Reader", without looking like a pompous Mud coffee drinking, tiny glasses, Band of Horses listening,my dogs name means "Beautiful Angel" in Italian, occasionally glancing up and watching CNN and shaking your head back and forth with a pained look on your face even though you don't know whats happening, douche. Cause its fun: Dear Reader, oh dear reader...or Deer Reader...a deer who reads? one who reads bout deers? A porn star from the 70's?
Where was I? Oh yes...on the D train once again. I think there has been a huge influx of crazy people. The last 5 out of 6 times I was on the D train, I have encountered the following characters. Tell me if you know them:

Mr. "Ill blare my 80's boombox to a radio station that barely comes in as loud as I can, and if anyone looks at me Ill shout 'How you like me now, Melvin?'"

Mr "Eating lamb and rice out of his lap...no plate, or container...just his lap"

Ms. "Earbuds in and singing Alicia Keys so loud they can hear it above ground"

Mr. "I know every stop this train makes and will shout as loud as I can when we arrive at them"

Mr "Fuck me? No fuck you. Fuck the hospital! Thats why I left"

Oh my point. My point is I think I just may turn into one of them. I catch myself talking to myself all the time. I know when I feel hungry, I dont have to say out loud that I am. But I do.

Sometimes you get the funhouse mirror effect in the reflections on the trains, and I start making faces, and stretching my arms to see how odd I can look. And sometimes, I do that on the platforms.

If Im sitting, the reflection from my bald spot looks like a halo...its not..not even close...but dare to dream...

I give voices to the rats on the tracks, and pretend they're in a 1920's melodrama about to be run over so the villians can run off with their girlfriends. You know who likes that one? The churro people...the people that sell thousands of churros underground. Where do they get these churros? And who is buying them in bulk?

I may or may not have urinated on someones SUV in Sunset Park last night...but I probably may'd

Sometimes Ill make my bed, and then walk out of the room and try to picture my bed when it wasnt made, then walk back in and get pleasantly surprised. I do the same thing with dishes in the sink, trash in the kitchen, and bodies in the basement.

Heres a recipe: Take the leftover coffee from your coffee maker in the morning and pour it over ice. Add a little milk, vanilla extract, half a packet of hot chocolate mix, and a sweet and low. Stir for a minute, pour it into a cold glass, and throw it down the sink and go buy an ice mochachino you cheap bastard.

"How you like me now Melvin?"

"I have $9m left. It's a decent amount and I'm not looking for sympathy, but it isn't an awful lot for someone who has been at the top of his profession for 40 years." -- Comedian John Cleese after paying his third ex-wife $16m.

Music, Man!

As Ive said before, technology knows whats it doing, and its ready to attack, make us obsolete, and turn the whole damn Earth into Cybertron. If I was a Transformer, I would turn into a limousine, my name would be Stretch, and my powers would enable me to shoot champagne out of twin guns mounted on my hood, and let drunk teenage girls hang out of me screaming "I'm in a limo"...also mounted. Today, my laptop got a virus. From where, I have a few ideas, but that's not important right now. $65 later after a visit to a Korean specialist in Brooklyn who doesn't judge, I find my entire Itunes collection has been erased. Like, everything. The Duran Duran best of...Tegan and Sara do Each Other...Eddie Murphy's My Girl Wants to Party All The Time Redux...even Snow Patrols less whiny shit. Now, while this is indeed a reason to panic, I did find I can buy back everything I lost in my Itunes account for 33 cents a pop. So, going thru all my music I purchased in the last 7 years is bringing back wanted, unwanted, dark, disturbing, fun, and fuzzy memories. Allow me to share.

Winning Days by The Vines: Ah, I remember listening to this as I packed to move out of my first place in Brooklyn where my paranoid Craigslist roommate had taken the doors off of my room in retaliation for me going into his room and stealing some of his fire from his lighter. Not the lighter, juuuuuust the fire.

Fake Empire by the National: Woke up to this one at 7am blaring from my Ipod on the steps of the library on 42nd. I was late for a mascot gig for PBS....sorry kids.

I am Always the One who Calls by Pedro the Lion: Would listen to this and pretend I was in a bad indie movie about poets or something and emerge out of a subway entrance in slow motion.

All Night Long by Peter Murphy: One of a dozen 80's songs I purchased when I first moved to New York when I was feeling far from home and missed the high school days when there were really no responsibilities or worries and you could just listen to music and enjoy it I think Ill throw that on as I finish this.

Chocolate by Snow Patrol: Reminds me of waiting on the Queensbourogh Plaza platform for the 7 train to take me to a girl...looking at the NY skyline...thinking I had it all figured out...and I did! Should of written it down...ah well...

Don't let it Fade by Sundays Best: Hanging flyer's in Times Square for the first standup show I hosted. Pop-Pops Comedy Show in honor of my recently deceased grandfather. My grandmother is still alive, but I have the flyer's ready....

Yo ho ho, A Pirates Life for me by the Toucan Pirates: I..have no idea

Sold as Seen by I Am Kloot: Used to listen to this as I sold old printers and monitors out of the lobby of an old reception job I had in SOHO...anywho

Wonder if the Snow Will Settle by The Cedars: Id put it on as I pretended to shovel my porch in Queens...it would frustrate my roommate cause I took too long so he would just shovel and never ask me to again...sucker...Id totally pinch his weed when he did this.

The Recluse by Cursive: This song is awesome. I cant pinpoint a specific era when I was into it, but I know I would air guitar the rifts to impress ladies as I strolled through Central Park looking for a good place to smoke pinched weed.

Wow. Music. it sure is....it sure is.

my cell phone is dying, my tv shifts from color to black and white, my toaster wont cook bagels, my playstation 3 acts like dvd's put into it are some form of rape, and my Ipods battery needs to be charged 23 hours a day....look out..we will all be at the mercy of machines before you know it. Transform and roll out..



"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal"--Einstein

"Do we not sail on this ship of fools?" -- Erasure

So I googled my age...

When thespian Corey Haim was 38, he was found dead in his house in Burbank California denying the world of License to Drive Two: Still Licensed...38 Special was probably one of the worst things about music in the 80's. "Hold on loosely, but don't let go?" That is bad advice...Mikki Moore of the Atlanta Hawks wears number 38 and no one knows who the fuck that is...There is no answer to the equation φ(x) = 38, making 38 a nontotient, so that sucks...The 38th parallel north is on the border of paradise on Earth: N and S Korea... Egyptian pharaohs were often buried with 38 statues of cat guardians, and their sarcophagi were adorned with 38 ankhs, so if I die this year, that's what I want too...thanks...The gate of the sci-fi TV series Stargate SG-1 can stay open a maximum of 38 minutes, but you already knew that didn't you..(Shannon Im looking at you)...In Taiwan, "38" is slang for stupid/idiot. It also comes with a spring roll...You may begin to feel electrical buzzes down your legs and inside your vagina in your thirty eighth week of pregnancy. This is caused from the baby hitting nerves as s/he settles into your pelvis. So that's what that is...About 38 percent of the 100,000 people registered to vote in Monroe County in the Poconos showed up at the polls Tuesday which is good cause thats a political hotbed...Steve Ditko's last issue as penciler and inker for Spider-Man was issue 38. Thwipp...The Patriots won SuperBowl 38. I lost $100...Best Picture winner at the Oscars in 1938 was You Cant Take it With You, so I wont...In the thirty-eighth year of Azariah king of Judah, Zechariah son of Jeroboam became king of Israel in Samaria, and he reigned six months. I don't even own any land... Chapter 38 of Great Expectations and Pride and Prejudice both deal with the death of a pet from what I gather...38 years ago Atari kicks off the first generation of video games with the release of their seminal arcade version of Pong. I thought it was later too...38 pounds of pot was seized from a Henry County home in Atlanta. That reminds me. I have to go to Atlanta. Sesame Street has never been brought to us by the number 38. I will be 38 on Nov 9...

Dougrise, Dougset (or Doug-Out)

I told you I would go months at a time not writing this here wordblog thingie...but Im back so rest easy both my followers. Ok..so..for 10 glorious weeks I had an old friend from Dallas stay with me. We'll call him Doug because his real name is Douglass so don't tell. Doug is kind of a good ol boy neurotic comic from Dallas who has never been to New York...who has some incredibly fun interesting ways to view life and the city. (He was very excited to land at "La Gordita" airport) He also doesn't know how to use the Internet, so he probably wont see this...but if he does, he'll think its funny...(probably, because of the $1 Bud Select Tallboys in the bodega across the street from us...he will read it for the first time himself...) Ive scripted out a few real conversations we had when he was here. Feel free to use these on auditions.

TIVO
INT:My bedroom. 1:30 am May 29 2010

DOUG: Rory. Put soccer on. Lets watch soccer.

RORY: Soccer? Its 1:30am there is no soccer on..

DOUG: Cant you tebow it?

RORY: TeBOW?

DOUG: Tebow, Tito what ever it is. Can you do it?

RORY: Can I TIVO a soccer game from this afternoon?

DOUG: Yeah.

RORY: You want me to tape a past event...something thats already happened?

DOUG: It cant do that?

RORY: It cant time travel? No...it can not

DOUG: I met the most gorgeous black girl tonight!

THE LOTTERY:

DOUG: If I had a million dollars Id make a tiger fight a lion, wouldn't you?

RORY: Not really in my top ten

DOUG: Come on. You wouldn't want to see that? In Roman times that was their football. You and me'd be big fans.

RORY: Why?

DOUG: Cause we love football, we love beers!

MUSIC

1:45 am June, 2am, my bedroom,

(Door flings open)

DOUG: Rory. Sorry sorry. What are you watching? Who won the Boston vs Celtics game?

RORY: Boston vs Celtics? Ummm.the Hawks

DOUG: OH. Can you turn that to play Led Zepplin? (pointing at the TV which is on channel 622 all 80's music)

RORY: It doesn't do it by bands, its by genre.

DOUG: No Zepplin?

RORY: No,its by genre. Pick a type and Ill put it on

DOUG: Billy Joel

RORY: Get out

The Internet

RORY: Doug, the Internets back up and my laptops working again. What did you want to look up?

DOUG: What?

RORY: You said you really needed to check on something before you left.

DOUG: Oh yeah. Can you see how many carbs are in a glass of champagne?

RORY: That's what you want to look up?

DOUG: Oh yeah...I think Atkins lied to me and that's why I didn't lose weight

RORY: Maybe...

DOUG: I buy that $4 champagne from that Asian store every day...they must think Im celebrating every day

RORY: The fact that you re standing here is a good reason to celebrate

DOUG" I'm going to tell them that. Can I use that?

EMAIL:

RORY: Ok, Ive set you up with a gmail account. Try it on your phone

DOUG: Ok...ok. What do I?

RORY: xxxxxxxx@gmail.com...(real address protected for the innocent)

DOUG: Whats my password?

RORY: I wrote it down. Here

DOUG: Whats your password?

RORY: Im not going to tell you my password.

DOUG: You know mine

RORY: If you can figure out how to change it on your own then I wont know. Otherwise its gayforbeer

DOUG: Im not gay.

RORY: Is it working on your phone?

DOUG: No. xxxxxxx@gmail.com?

RORY: Yeah

DOUG: Wait, are people going to see I'm gay for beer when I send an email?

RORY: No, they don't send your password

DOUG: Are they free?

RORY: Are...emails free?

DOUG: Yeah I mean I don't pay for each one do I?

RORY: No Doug. Is it working on your phone?

DOUG: No...I'm typing xxxxx@gmail.com See?

RORY: Doug..really? You don't spell out the word at...theres a symbol

DOUG: Ah, I don't want to waste time with the emails. It's ok..I don't need it. Lets have some champagne.

This is just a brief sample of the ten weeks Doug was here. Many more...like the time he replaced the turkey burgers he ate of mine with Swiss cheese and called it even...until then...

Oh yeah,Ive been popping round Texas doing corporate work, so if you happen to see me please give me a water...

Drugs are a bet with your mind.
Jim Morrison

"Id make a tiger fight a lion" -
Doug

Allow me to Venti

I dont care what side of the fence you're on about the ending of Lost, or if you took advantage of Starbucks Happy Hour with half price Fraps, (which they should have called Frappy Hour..why didn't they call me first) or if you're as confused as I am how KFC is a sponsoring the cure for breast cancer....I mean...good for them, but they serve more breasts then anyone..they are part of the problem...I want to talk about one thing: the economy. Or moreover, how I make ten bucks stretch into a week of food at the C Town. Five yogurts for $2 and four bagels for a $1 takes care of breakfast. Thanks to my man Manny and his son Sonny at the deli, they give me a little extra cold cuts by the pound so for $4 I get half pound of white American cheese (not racist...I forgot they made such a thing and like it better now) and half pound of honey glazed turkey. With the 2 bagels leftover from breakfast, that's sandwiches. A Poland Springs gallon of water for 99 cents takes care of my water needs, and 89 cents for angel hair pasta and 99 cents for the sauce. Pasta can last 2 days. I think the math is right. This way I can spend $40 a week on wings, $60 on beer, $50 on entertainment, and the rest on Potpourri...so, I guess I do have my priorities in order.

My friend, we'll call Ozzy, moved in with me. Showing him around New York is both fun as I rediscover why this city rocks (sweet nuts, The Muppet Workshop at FAO Schwartz, S'mac...none of these he was interested in) and funny to see how he would grab every flyer someone in Times Square would give him. Were making wallpaper with them in one room. That's right...we may even get curtains....

I have many screenplays in my head right now. If someone can pick them up and write them, Id appreciate it. Ill buy snacks.

I did a show in Nevada and found it is indeed pronounced Nevada like bad....not Nevada like odd...or maybe its the other way around, but they get mad or mod when youre wrong.

Many shows coming up...a fun Artprov with a new artist,a rocking good few shows with the BTK band, and some solo music work in the middle of June. None of which pay, but I have plenty of yogurt and pasta to last a while.

There is a small chance I will be in China when next I write. Ill let ya know

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.” Comic W C Fields...Im assuming on an off day

Avatar drains a three...

Watching the Avatar Promo...I mean, NBA Playoffs, is consuming my entire Sunday. Usually on Sundays I like to sleep in till 1pm, compare coffee in my neighborhood (Pizza by The Park..excellent...Xinags Deli...taste like burnt hair) and pretend I have a wife by yelling "Ill be back later, get off my back" every time I leave the house. But today, when all is said and done, I will have watched 4 games, 12 hours of basketball. The turn around from my teens to now is amazing. I wasn't into sports at all in high school. In soccer, my position was the one where you kick the ball between the orange cones on the sideline. I played baseball to get the pizza party afterwards. My dad would yell at me when I asked who he was voting for in the game, or if he liked the other players costumes. But now, I'm sports obsessed. Except for hockey. Its just..soo....Canadien. Even FOX knew it was boring a few years ago when they made the puck glow so you could follow it. And FOX had the PJ'S! SO they know boring.

Nothing but net. This is why fish don't like basketball...(that joke is for my 5 year old fans)

This week, I performed in Aurora New York. A college town where there are 550 students, one bar, one supermarket, and countless cows. the cows loved us. The show was great, and makes me wonder what would have happened if I went to college. What happened, what distracted me from the college path...oh, Extreme Makeover Home Edition is on!

I also did a show Friday in Baton Rogue. The Red Stick. Muggy, hot, and overcast. And that was the women! Ha ha ha..oh..save it for the show in Modesto Rory.

Hope everyone had a great 4 20 ...I did. From what I remember I did...pizza was consumed, songs were sung, and dreams were fulfilled. Memory loss? probably, but totally worth it.

Hope everyone had a great 4 20...

Most of life is like a Yo-Yo...some things leave and come back and leave again, or is that a boomerang, or is that Martin Lawrence. I can never remember.

"It's the apocalypse alright! I always knew I'd have a hand in it."
- Professer Farnsworth, Futurama

I didn't give an old lady my seat on the train a few weeks ago. I asked a guy who obviously whitened his teeth if he would smile at the sidewalk so I could find my contact lens. I was given change for a twenty instead of the ten I gave for coffee and for a moment thought about not saying anything. So, maybe it was fate, karma, or wrong place right time for the mugging to happen. When the guy grabbed my bag (yes, I'm an 80 year old woman) I ran after him. So at least I know my natural reaction is not to scream like a 10 year old girl who saw the Jonas Brothers sex tape, but instead to blindly run in the face of danger. The 8 drinks in me didn't hurt either

Making ends meet is getting harder and harder because there seem to be new ends every day. And how many times must ends meet? It seems like some ends have Alzheimer's and need to meet every month. Doesn't any end know each other anymore? What a world.

I haven't had a phone for 24 hours...I feel naked. That and I have no clothes on...but the people at this Starbucks don't seem to mind...

I'm so glad baseball season is back. Theres a game on every day at almost every time, so theres never a bad reason to be in a bar. Unless that bar is Applebees. Then theres never a good reason for that.

I owe the IRS a tidy sum of money. I guess that's why my initials are in there...

If April Showers really bring May Flowers, then these should be some BIG ASS Flowers coming my way. I'm going to lay down...hopefully to dream of a more innocent time...like 26 hours ago.

"The status quo sucks" - George Carlin