Sunday, September 2, 2012

Death Be Not Death

We used to play a game called Heroes, or Champions or something like that in high school. It was a role playing game, and I don't mean someones the chamber maid and someones the tired pilot coming home early and for some reason there's a monkey who is also a lube salesman and it all takes place in a locker room at Penn State in 1998. It was a bunch of "Theater" geeks pretending to save the world by creating characters they wish they were while being nerds they wish they weren't. My superhero was a guy called Voicebox who could mimic any noise and throw his voice anywhere, Useful if a vaudeville show broke out, but not so much when downtown Capital City was being over run with Death Robots from the planet DeathRobotia, ( we tried) SHOULD BE A PARAGRAPH BREAK HERE< BUT THERE WONT BE FOR SOME REASON< SO EVERY TIME I WANT A NEW PARAGRAPH I WILL PUT THE NAME OF A CANDY BAR...KIT KAT There have been so many shootings lately its been overwhelming. I know, people get shot every day (half of them are ex NY Giants players) and so much happens that we only see a small fraction of the shit that goes down. But its like my old exterminator friend used to say who never really existed "If you see one cockroach in your house, that means there's hundreds more hiding in the walls." We had flying cockroaches in Texas growing up, and they looked like the regular ones, until you tried to kill it with a boot and it sprouted wings and flew straight at you, sometimes grazing your face and that was it. You were ruined for the rest of the day. Creepy. We also had scorpions who could jump straight up the length of a house, and once, a Jehovah witness. SNICKERS. Texas had guns. Lots of them. On gun racks in the back of trucks, behind the bars of the Steak N Ales ( a great place to eat steak and also ale, but is no longer around. They introduced escargots to the public and that was its downfall. Not because Dallas wouldn't eat snails, but because fuck the French, am I right?) and at every bar that stayed open past 8pm. I remember on my 21st birthday party we celebrated at a pub and an older lady not with our party grabbed me and asked me to dance by showing me her piece clipped to her belt buckle. Who was I to say no, and also who was I not to get shot? I live in NYC now. More specifically, New York City, and yes, there are shootings. But lately, it seems to be getting closer. And not just shooting. Death. In General. A shooting in a theater in Colorado, to a shooting at the Empire State Building, to a death of a comic I used to play with here in New York. Then there was a shooting in New Jersey recently, so I'm hoping what usually happens happens and all the bad shit stays in Jersey. WHATCHAMACALLIT Oh, my point.No point. Like everything, just no...point. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not one of these guys in Williamsburg Brooklyn brooding about the world situation by eating only what he can find in his couch, and writing songs that rhyme oppression with depression, and defiant with Kobe Bryant all the while working my temp job as a receptionist for an ad agency using the computer to find cheap love seats and old cameras on Craigslist cause I have so much to say about everything and this world just doesn't's just damn, there seems to be more reminders that we're all gonna die than ever before. Is it because I'm not only knocking on 40's door, but because in a mere 2 months I will be answering that door in a coffee stained robe missing the belt, and mad because whoever knocked interrupted my stories? 40's not old, but its a hell of a lot closer to 60 then 21 was. THREE MUSKETEERS. That's an odd name for candy bar by the way. Is the candy packed with French history, or swords? Why isn't there a Joan of Arc Bar that you use to make S'mores? Anywho...death be not proud...that's cool death...just don't be so humble you don't take credit for your work. Make it decided. A German teenager with a T shirt that read "Life Is Beautiful and I No Longer Am Afraid Of Death" stopped to ask me directions to Ground Zero. He was unaware that construction had begun, and in fact, is ready to open soon. He pointed to the skyline at Liberty and Church where we happened to be and asked if this was the place where the buildings you say...fucked? Yes. Yes this is where they were fucked. But, this is also where we are unfucking them. Death be be not proud...death be not ignored or interrupted I'm hoping the afterlife is like your favorite Youtube clips. If they involve Russell Brand though, you go straight to hell...MILKY WAY Death will be a great relief. No more interviews. KATHARINE HEPBURN

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