Saturday, December 31, 2011

Things we lost in the Shire

If I were a Mayan right now Id be nervous. 2012 is here, and you are going to look like a dick if the planet doesn't implode like the house in Poltergeist or Angelina Jolie's stomach. TOPICAL! Here are my predictions for 2012. Meet back here in a year to see if I was right.

CRAIGSLIST There will be new listings, such as Assholes Renting Rooms, Very Formal Encounters, Pissed Connections and Mayans seeking Trannys. People will still advertise stoop sales in neighborhoods in Brooklyn that take 4 trains and a bus to get to.

New York New York will add a sixth borough that houses Homeless Hipsters who make their own cheese and shorten their already slanged za for pizza to a sound that is one click of their tongue. It will be on a floating garbage barge in the Hudson called Deathcab and will never touch another piece of land. It will still rank above Staten Island in popularity.

LOST Ill re watch the whole run thinking I might enjoy the ending better and wind up throwing my 4D television out my studio apartment window in Deathcab crushing a girl in dreadlocks playing a mandolin singing a song she wrote about her pet turtle who doesn't have the right to vote.

THE BTK BAND My improvised storytelling band will tour abroad, going to Germany, and lose 9 members in an Oktoberfest accident. They will be replaced by 18 midgets with a drinking problem.

Here are some things I learned, so use my advice next time you're in 2011.

Floods Put things you love and want to keep under your bed. That way, when a pipe bursts in the middle of the night, it ruins them, and you can keep warm with the memories when you're looking for a new place after your landlord told you your alcoholic room mate you found on Craigslist hasn't paid rent in three months even though you paid him, and now he wants to evict you. Stupid floods

Money Sometimes I have money and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I pretend Pez dispensers are money and I have the most coveted one,and I get my food free from Seamless Web...or it seems like its free since it goes on my card and I forget that when I'm chemically enhanced, just like the one time I got a message from EBAY saying I didn't win the Jukebox I bid on....what jukebox?

Evangeline I shriek like a wounded ferret when I see any pics involving her and Lord of the Rings.

May the new year find you before the cops do!

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining---Leonard Bernstein

Sunday, July 24, 2011

My Law and Order SVU script

INT: Law and Order SVU Headquarters. One Police Plaza. The whole squad is watching a group of pictures pinned to a chalkboard. Colored strings are attached...and its, um...say...3:30pm I guess.

Captain: So, we have a three time serial rapist on our hands. He has a fetish for young college girls and he strikes around Gramercy Park.

Detective: Yeah. That bastard. Two blocks from my daughters nannies other family. But that witness in the taxi is long gone

Detective 2: Maybe not. We have camera surveillance from the corner light. theres her licence plate

Detective: Good. But its blurry, getting that number is impossible

Smart Guy: Maybe not. Ive isolated the image using camera enhancement cop stuff we happen to have for stuff like this. There. Clear as day

Detective 2: Maybe not. That could be anyones car.

Detective: No. That's why we pass those out. But it looks like our suspect has no priors.

Counselor: Maybe not. I tried him in Boston once for sexual misconduct. I'd recognize him anywhere. But I have no way of getting his real name.

Ex Wife: Maybe not. I was married to him and I know his real name

Priest: Maybe not. I wasn't certified when I married you two, and the marriage was a sham

Rapist: Maybe not. We got married in a private ceremony two weeks before the real marriage, so I guess its legal.

Lunch Guy:
Who had the Chinese food?

Clerk: Maybe not. Lets have pizza

Thank you

Friday, May 6, 2011

Crazy Train

I wish we were in the age where one could start a post "Dear Reader", without looking like a pompous Mud coffee drinking, tiny glasses, Band of Horses listening,my dogs name means "Beautiful Angel" in Italian, occasionally glancing up and watching CNN and shaking your head back and forth with a pained look on your face even though you don't know whats happening, douche. Cause its fun: Dear Reader, oh dear reader...or Deer Reader...a deer who reads? one who reads bout deers? A porn star from the 70's?
Where was I? Oh yes...on the D train once again. I think there has been a huge influx of crazy people. The last 5 out of 6 times I was on the D train, I have encountered the following characters. Tell me if you know them:

Mr. "Ill blare my 80's boombox to a radio station that barely comes in as loud as I can, and if anyone looks at me Ill shout 'How you like me now, Melvin?'"

Mr "Eating lamb and rice out of his plate, or container...just his lap"

Ms. "Earbuds in and singing Alicia Keys so loud they can hear it above ground"

Mr. "I know every stop this train makes and will shout as loud as I can when we arrive at them"

Mr "Fuck me? No fuck you. Fuck the hospital! Thats why I left"

Oh my point. My point is I think I just may turn into one of them. I catch myself talking to myself all the time. I know when I feel hungry, I dont have to say out loud that I am. But I do.

Sometimes you get the funhouse mirror effect in the reflections on the trains, and I start making faces, and stretching my arms to see how odd I can look. And sometimes, I do that on the platforms.

If Im sitting, the reflection from my bald spot looks like a halo...its not..not even close...but dare to dream...

I give voices to the rats on the tracks, and pretend they're in a 1920's melodrama about to be run over so the villians can run off with their girlfriends. You know who likes that one? The churro people...the people that sell thousands of churros underground. Where do they get these churros? And who is buying them in bulk?

I may or may not have urinated on someones SUV in Sunset Park last night...but I probably may'd

Sometimes Ill make my bed, and then walk out of the room and try to picture my bed when it wasnt made, then walk back in and get pleasantly surprised. I do the same thing with dishes in the sink, trash in the kitchen, and bodies in the basement.

Heres a recipe: Take the leftover coffee from your coffee maker in the morning and pour it over ice. Add a little milk, vanilla extract, half a packet of hot chocolate mix, and a sweet and low. Stir for a minute, pour it into a cold glass, and throw it down the sink and go buy an ice mochachino you cheap bastard.

"How you like me now Melvin?"

"I have $9m left. It's a decent amount and I'm not looking for sympathy, but it isn't an awful lot for someone who has been at the top of his profession for 40 years." -- Comedian John Cleese after paying his third ex-wife $16m.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Music, Man!

As Ive said before, technology knows whats it doing, and its ready to attack, make us obsolete, and turn the whole damn Earth into Cybertron. If I was a Transformer, I would turn into a limousine, my name would be Stretch, and my powers would enable me to shoot champagne out of twin guns mounted on my hood, and let drunk teenage girls hang out of me screaming "I'm in a limo"...also mounted. Today, my laptop got a virus. From where, I have a few ideas, but that's not important right now. $65 later after a visit to a Korean specialist in Brooklyn who doesn't judge, I find my entire Itunes collection has been erased. Like, everything. The Duran Duran best of...Tegan and Sara do Each Other...Eddie Murphy's My Girl Wants to Party All The Time Redux...even Snow Patrols less whiny shit. Now, while this is indeed a reason to panic, I did find I can buy back everything I lost in my Itunes account for 33 cents a pop. So, going thru all my music I purchased in the last 7 years is bringing back wanted, unwanted, dark, disturbing, fun, and fuzzy memories. Allow me to share.

Winning Days by The Vines: Ah, I remember listening to this as I packed to move out of my first place in Brooklyn where my paranoid Craigslist roommate had taken the doors off of my room in retaliation for me going into his room and stealing some of his fire from his lighter. Not the lighter, juuuuuust the fire.

Fake Empire by the National: Woke up to this one at 7am blaring from my Ipod on the steps of the library on 42nd. I was late for a mascot gig for PBS....sorry kids.

I am Always the One who Calls by Pedro the Lion: Would listen to this and pretend I was in a bad indie movie about poets or something and emerge out of a subway entrance in slow motion.

All Night Long by Peter Murphy: One of a dozen 80's songs I purchased when I first moved to New York when I was feeling far from home and missed the high school days when there were really no responsibilities or worries and you could just listen to music and enjoy it I think Ill throw that on as I finish this.

Chocolate by Snow Patrol: Reminds me of waiting on the Queensbourogh Plaza platform for the 7 train to take me to a girl...looking at the NY skyline...thinking I had it all figured out...and I did! Should of written it down...ah well...

Don't let it Fade by Sundays Best: Hanging flyer's in Times Square for the first standup show I hosted. Pop-Pops Comedy Show in honor of my recently deceased grandfather. My grandmother is still alive, but I have the flyer's ready....

Yo ho ho, A Pirates Life for me by the Toucan Pirates: I..have no idea

Sold as Seen by I Am Kloot: Used to listen to this as I sold old printers and monitors out of the lobby of an old reception job I had in SOHO...anywho

Wonder if the Snow Will Settle by The Cedars: Id put it on as I pretended to shovel my porch in would frustrate my roommate cause I took too long so he would just shovel and never ask me to again...sucker...Id totally pinch his weed when he did this.

The Recluse by Cursive: This song is awesome. I cant pinpoint a specific era when I was into it, but I know I would air guitar the rifts to impress ladies as I strolled through Central Park looking for a good place to smoke pinched weed.

Wow. Music. it sure sure is.

my cell phone is dying, my tv shifts from color to black and white, my toaster wont cook bagels, my playstation 3 acts like dvd's put into it are some form of rape, and my Ipods battery needs to be charged 23 hours a day....look out..we will all be at the mercy of machines before you know it. Transform and roll out..

"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal"--Einstein

"Do we not sail on this ship of fools?" -- Erasure