Friday, May 6, 2011

Crazy Train

I wish we were in the age where one could start a post "Dear Reader", without looking like a pompous Mud coffee drinking, tiny glasses, Band of Horses listening,my dogs name means "Beautiful Angel" in Italian, occasionally glancing up and watching CNN and shaking your head back and forth with a pained look on your face even though you don't know whats happening, douche. Cause its fun: Dear Reader, oh dear reader...or Deer Reader...a deer who reads? one who reads bout deers? A porn star from the 70's?
Where was I? Oh yes...on the D train once again. I think there has been a huge influx of crazy people. The last 5 out of 6 times I was on the D train, I have encountered the following characters. Tell me if you know them:

Mr. "Ill blare my 80's boombox to a radio station that barely comes in as loud as I can, and if anyone looks at me Ill shout 'How you like me now, Melvin?'"

Mr "Eating lamb and rice out of his plate, or container...just his lap"

Ms. "Earbuds in and singing Alicia Keys so loud they can hear it above ground"

Mr. "I know every stop this train makes and will shout as loud as I can when we arrive at them"

Mr "Fuck me? No fuck you. Fuck the hospital! Thats why I left"

Oh my point. My point is I think I just may turn into one of them. I catch myself talking to myself all the time. I know when I feel hungry, I dont have to say out loud that I am. But I do.

Sometimes you get the funhouse mirror effect in the reflections on the trains, and I start making faces, and stretching my arms to see how odd I can look. And sometimes, I do that on the platforms.

If Im sitting, the reflection from my bald spot looks like a halo...its not..not even close...but dare to dream...

I give voices to the rats on the tracks, and pretend they're in a 1920's melodrama about to be run over so the villians can run off with their girlfriends. You know who likes that one? The churro people...the people that sell thousands of churros underground. Where do they get these churros? And who is buying them in bulk?

I may or may not have urinated on someones SUV in Sunset Park last night...but I probably may'd

Sometimes Ill make my bed, and then walk out of the room and try to picture my bed when it wasnt made, then walk back in and get pleasantly surprised. I do the same thing with dishes in the sink, trash in the kitchen, and bodies in the basement.

Heres a recipe: Take the leftover coffee from your coffee maker in the morning and pour it over ice. Add a little milk, vanilla extract, half a packet of hot chocolate mix, and a sweet and low. Stir for a minute, pour it into a cold glass, and throw it down the sink and go buy an ice mochachino you cheap bastard.

"How you like me now Melvin?"

"I have $9m left. It's a decent amount and I'm not looking for sympathy, but it isn't an awful lot for someone who has been at the top of his profession for 40 years." -- Comedian John Cleese after paying his third ex-wife $16m.

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