Saturday, December 31, 2011

Things we lost in the Shire

If I were a Mayan right now Id be nervous. 2012 is here, and you are going to look like a dick if the planet doesn't implode like the house in Poltergeist or Angelina Jolie's stomach. TOPICAL! Here are my predictions for 2012. Meet back here in a year to see if I was right.

CRAIGSLIST There will be new listings, such as Assholes Renting Rooms, Very Formal Encounters, Pissed Connections and Mayans seeking Trannys. People will still advertise stoop sales in neighborhoods in Brooklyn that take 4 trains and a bus to get to.

New York New York will add a sixth borough that houses Homeless Hipsters who make their own cheese and shorten their already slanged za for pizza to a sound that is one click of their tongue. It will be on a floating garbage barge in the Hudson called Deathcab and will never touch another piece of land. It will still rank above Staten Island in popularity.

LOST Ill re watch the whole run thinking I might enjoy the ending better and wind up throwing my 4D television out my studio apartment window in Deathcab crushing a girl in dreadlocks playing a mandolin singing a song she wrote about her pet turtle who doesn't have the right to vote.

THE BTK BAND My improvised storytelling band will tour abroad, going to Germany, and lose 9 members in an Oktoberfest accident. They will be replaced by 18 midgets with a drinking problem.

Here are some things I learned, so use my advice next time you're in 2011.

Floods Put things you love and want to keep under your bed. That way, when a pipe bursts in the middle of the night, it ruins them, and you can keep warm with the memories when you're looking for a new place after your landlord told you your alcoholic room mate you found on Craigslist hasn't paid rent in three months even though you paid him, and now he wants to evict you. Stupid floods

Money Sometimes I have money and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I pretend Pez dispensers are money and I have the most coveted one,and I get my food free from Seamless Web...or it seems like its free since it goes on my card and I forget that when I'm chemically enhanced, just like the one time I got a message from EBAY saying I didn't win the Jukebox I bid on....what jukebox?

Evangeline I shriek like a wounded ferret when I see any pics involving her and Lord of the Rings.

May the new year find you before the cops do!

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining---Leonard Bernstein

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